fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize