well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
