There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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