Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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