So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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