May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
