I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
please come you make the beer taste better
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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