That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
