I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
