Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
