I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
