it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
