We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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