You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize