pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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