Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize