I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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