Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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