Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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