I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
