if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Two words: nipple clamps
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