and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize