just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
