Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
