she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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