$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
