I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
