i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
