Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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