Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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