There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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