i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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