Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
