They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
