I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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