i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize