her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize