The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
