Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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