Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
