Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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