trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
