He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
