yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
