im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
