it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
