Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
