His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize