If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
