my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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