i already hear my dad disowning me
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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