I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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