Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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