so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
