I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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