So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Hello my rib-scented angel!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
