In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
