My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
